I was raised by my grandma. She had a strong Buddhist background, and she was a good person — genuinely good. So I thought I could believe what she believed. Buddhism teaches you to do good works, and my grandma was the proof that it worked.
我是婆婆帶大的。她有很深的佛教背景，而她是個好人 —— 真的很好。所以我想，她信的我也可以信。佛教教人行善，而我婆婆就是行善有用的證明。
One summer break I went back to my parents’ home to see my sister. On the way she talked to me about Jesus. Before we went inside, we saw a blue brochure someone had left on our door. It said the Jesus Film would be shown that night. The timing was almost exactly right. We watched it together, and I cried.
有一年暑假，我回爸媽家看姊姊。回家的路上，她跟我講耶穌。還沒進門，我們就看見門上夾著一張藍色的單張，上面寫著當晚會放映《耶穌傳》。時間剛剛好。我們一起看了那部電影，我哭了。
I grew up in a broken family. I felt hurt, and I felt abandoned. One New Year’s Eve I was hit by a taxi. My grandma tried to find my dad and my mum, and she could not find either of them. I looked strong on the outside. Inside I was not. No purpose, no hope, no direction.
我在一個破碎的家庭長大。我覺得受傷，也覺得被丟下。有一年除夕，我被計程車撞到。婆婆想找我爸爸和媽媽，兩個都找不到。我外表看起來很堅強，其實裡面不是。沒有方向，沒有盼望，也沒有目標。
After I graduated I stayed at a girlfriend’s place. One day she told me she liked me. I was shocked, but I was grateful for her love. We were together for four years, and over those years I got more and more negative. We complained about work, we smoked, we drank.
畢業之後，我住在一個女性朋友家裡。有一天她跟我說她喜歡我。我很震驚，但我也感謝她的愛。我們在一起四年，那幾年我變得越來越負面。我們一起抱怨工作，一起抽菸，一起喝酒。
Then I met a married man at work. I never thought I would be the person who ended up in an affair. He told me to move in with him so I could get out of the situation I was in. He had grown up in church but he was an atheist. One day while he was out I picked up his Bible, and this is what I opened to.
後來我在公司認識了一個已婚的男人。我從來沒想過自己會是那個捲進婚外情的人。他叫我搬去跟他住，好讓我離開當時的處境。他在教會長大，卻是個無神論者。有一天他出門，我拿起他的聖經，翻到的就是這段。
18May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth… 20My son, why should you be carried away with a sinful woman and fall into the arms of a strange woman?Proverbs 5:18, 20
18要使你的泉源蒙福；要喜悅你幼年所娶的妻。20我兒，你為何戀慕淫婦？為何抱外女的胸懷？箴言 5:18、20
When I decided to leave him, I found out my green card application had been denied. I had waited four years for it. I had already been working in the United States for six years, and by law it was unlikely I would ever be allowed to apply again.
當我決定離開他的時候，我發現我的綠卡申請被拒了。那張卡我等了四年。我當時已經在美國工作了六年，按照法律，我大概再也沒有機會重新申請。
I left the lawyer’s office and drove home and could not stop crying. It was raining. Between the rain and my own tears I could barely see through the windscreen. I asked God why He had brought me into the world at all. I had already tried so hard.
我從律師樓出來，開車回家，一路哭到停不下來。那天下著雨。雨水加上眼淚，我幾乎看不清前面的擋風玻璃。我問神，為什麼要把我帶到這個世界上。我已經很努力了。
I emailed the IT consultant I was working with at the time and told him I never wanted to deal with him or his pride again. He wrote back with one verse.
我寫電郵給當時一起工作的 IT 顧問，跟他說我再也不想跟他和他的驕傲打交道。他只回了我一節經文。
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.Proverbs 3:5–6
你要專心仰賴耶和華，不可倚靠自己的聰明，在你一切所行的事上都要認定他，他必指引你的路。箴言 3:5–6
God used a man I thought was proud to tell me to trust in the Lord.
神用了一個我認定很驕傲的人，來叫我仰賴主。
After that I decided to go to church and find out who God was.
從那之後，我決定去教會，好好認識神。
Spending time with people from church made the weight lighter. They prayed for me. God let me reapply for the green card. It took almost everything I had saved — I needed nine thousand US dollars. That year my pay cheque came with a bonus of over ten thousand.
和教會的弟兄姊妹在一起，我的擔子輕了一些。他們為我禱告。神讓我可以重新申請綠卡。那幾乎用掉我所有的積蓄 —— 我需要九千美元。那一年，我的薪水加上花紅，發下來超過一萬。
At Easter 2007 I was baptised in the name of Jesus Christ. But I went on living the same way. I was caught between the sweetness of lust and God. Then I started studying the Bible with a sister in Christ, and I felt joy and peace. God’s Word took me out of that bondage. I chose God over something that was never going to last.
二〇〇七年復活節，我奉耶穌基督的名受洗。但我還是過著一樣的生活。我夾在情欲的甜和神之間。後來我開始和一位姊妹一起查經，我感到喜樂和平安。神的話把我從那個捆綁裡帶出來。我選擇了神，放下那些本來就留不住的東西。
One Saturday afternoon I was reading the Gospel of John, and my heart hurt. I felt the actual pain of it — Jesus beaten, Jesus betrayed. How could He take all of that? I thought His heart must have been bleeding. My own heart had felt like it was bleeding since I was a child.
有一個星期六下午，我讀約翰福音，心很痛。我真的感覺到那個痛 —— 耶穌被打，耶穌被賣。他怎麼承受得了？我想他的心一定在流血。而我自己的心，從小就一直在流血。
And then the love came over me. Even though I had been abandoned by everyone, God loved me and cared about me personally. I had always felt unclean. Realising that I am a daughter of God, I know that I am loved and that I am precious. He took my shame away — forever.
然後那份愛就淹沒了我。就算所有人都離棄我，神仍然親自愛我、顧念我。我一直覺得自己不潔淨。當我明白我是神的女兒，我就知道我是被愛的，是寶貴的。他把我的羞愧拿走了 —— 永遠地拿走了。
There is nothing in my story to boast about. It is not by works. It is by God’s mercy.
我的故事沒有什麼好誇的。不是靠行為，是靠神的憐憑。
I once was lost, but I was found. Now I have hope, purpose, and direction.
我曾經失喪，後來被尋回。現在我有盼望，有目標，也有方向。
Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air.1 Corinthians 9:26
所以，我奔跑不像無定向的；我鬥拳不像打空氣的。哥林多前書 9:26