Mocha

The first look

第一眼

Thank God for giving me this little dog sixteen years ago. I remember thinking, the first time I met him, that he was not like the other dogs. The others wagged and fussed and tried to win you over. He just looked at me once — bright-eyed, and a little proud.

感謝神，十六年前給我這隻小狗。記得第一次遇到牠，就覺得牠和其他狗不同。其他小狗都搖頭擺尾討好你，牠只望你一眼，眼睛很有神，還帶著一種傲氣。

He weighed 1.2 pounds when I brought him home, with a little round belly. The vet said it was worms. Slowly he was treated, and slowly he grew stronger.

接牠回家時只有 1.2 磅，有一個小肚仔。醫生説牠肚仔有蟲。慢慢地治好了，牠也越來越強壯。

He was clever and easy to keep. I bought him a pile of toys — an ice cream, a little bear, a ball, and the one he called his girlfriend. He could tell them apart. Ask him for the ice cream and he brought the ice cream. The girlfriend and the ball were his favourites. He could shake, drop and roll over, and wait for a count of three before eating.

牠很聰明，很好養。買了很多玩具給牠：雪糕、小熊、波波，還有牠的「女朋友」。牠懂得分辨不同的玩具，叫牠拿雪糕，牠就會把雪糕叼過來。牠最喜歡的就是女朋友和波波。牠懂 shake shake、趴低轉身，還會數到一二三才吃。

I named him Jan. Nothing — no reaction at all. Then I tried Mocha, and he came running and jumped straight into my arms.

幫牠取名叫 Jan，牠完全沒反應。後來叫牠 Mocha，牠就很開心地跑過來，跳進我懷裏。

All the first times

每一個第一次

The first time I walked him on grass he was curious and frightened at the same time, and stayed glued to the back of my legs.

第一次帶牠行草地，牠又好奇又害怕，一直跟著我屁股走。

The first time I took him to Albertsons he ran like a wild thing, free and delighted, inspecting every single aisle. The world outside was an enormous new place to him.

第一次帶牠去 Albertsons，牠瘋狂又活潑地自由亂跑，每一個走道都要查看一遍。對牠來說，外面的世界是多麼新奇。

I took him to restaurants, even out for sushi with friends, and he sat quiet and well-behaved through all of it. He wore a hoodie and people mistook him for a baby. At Toys R Us he was beside himself, exploring without stopping.

帶過牠去餐廳，甚至和朋友去食壽司，牠都安靜乖巧。牠穿著一件帽 T，別人還以為牠是小嬰兒。帶牠去玩具反斗城，牠興奮得不得了，不停地探索。

He lived with me in very small rooms, and we moved house many times. When I bought my first place I took him to see it, and he kept me company while I cleaned. He tore around that empty living room like a horse.

牠和我一起住過很小的房間，搬過很多次家。第一次買房子，我帶牠去看新房子，也陪我去打掃。牠在客廳裡像馬一樣狂奔。

At the end of 2011 my small group came over for dinner, and he met my husband for the first time — back then just an ordinary friend. Normally he ignored strangers completely. He rolled over and showed him his belly.

二〇一一年年底，小組來我家吃飯，牠第一次遇到我老公（當時只是普通朋友）。一般來說，牠都不理陌生人，但牠竟然對我老公翻肚。

He had a cyst on his leg once, and God kept the surgery safe. In 2014 he suddenly stopped eating and drinking and the vet was not hopeful, but he came back to us.

曾經牠腳上有一個水瘤，神保守手術成功。二〇一四年牠突然不吃不喝，醫生也說不樂觀，後來卻又好起來。

September 2017

二〇一七年九月

Around September 2017 Mocha stopped being able to sleep at night. Sometimes he sat by my bed and cried. Sometimes he looked at us as though he did not know who we were, or turned in circles chasing his own tail. It broke my heart. He also stopped being able to use the newspaper we had laid down — and he was such a good, well-trained dog that I had never once put him in a cage. He had always had the run of the house.

二〇一七年大概九月份，Mocha 開始晚上不能睡覺，有時坐在我床邊哭，有時好像不認得我們，或者圍著自己的尾巴打轉。很心痛。而且牠開始不能在指定的報紙上大小便。（牠本來是很乖、訓練很好的小狗，我從來都不會把牠關在籠子裏，在家裏都是自由走動的。）

It kept getting worse. On top of the mess, I was afraid he would hurt himself wandering into things, so we bought a pen. We tried arranging it every way we could think of to look after him properly. But my husband and I both had to go to work, and we were wrung out. He took the middle of the night, and the morning clean-up, and the baths. I took the clean-up and the baths after work. We stayed home as much as we possibly could. Neither of us was sleeping.

但牠情況越來越嚴重，除了大小便，也怕牠到處亂竄傷到自己，所以買了圍欄。我們嘗試用不同的方法擺放，去配合照顧牠。但我和老公兩個人都要上班，心力交瘁。老公負責半夜看顧牠、早上清理牠的便便，還有幫牠洗澡；我負責下班後清理和洗澡。基本上，我們會儘量多留在家裏。我們倆都嚴重睡眠不足。

And then I remembered that in May 2018 my parents were coming from Taiwan to visit us. I felt completely hopeless. I kept asking God what I was supposed to do. I was so tired that there were days I lost my patience with Mocha, and lost some of my love for him too. Through all of it my husband did everything he could to help and hold us together.

想起二〇一八年五月台灣爸媽會來美國探望我們，真的很絕望。心裏一直問神我應該怎樣處理。因為疲累，對 Mocha 有時也失去耐性和愛。在這段日子，老公很盡力配合和支持。

The question from the pulpit

講台上的那個問題

One Sunday the pastor preached on how the Israelites used to bring the firstborn of the flock, the best lamb they had, as a sin offering to God — and how Jesus died on the cross as that offering once and for all, so that because of His blood our sins are remembered no more.

在某一個主日，牧師講到從前以色列人都要用頭生上好的羔羊作為贖罪的祭物獻給神，但耶穌為我們的罪死在十字架上，作了一次過的贖罪祭。我們的罪因耶穌的寶血不再被記念。

Then the pastor asked us whether we would be willing to give God the thing we treasured most, the thing we loved best — the beloved little dog at home, for instance. I cried. And I asked God, does it really have to be this?

然後牧師問我們，是否願意把我們最珍貴、最愛的東西獻給神，例如家裏最愛的小狗。我哭了。我當時問神：「一定要這樣嗎？」

The drive to work

上班途中

One morning on the way to work, in the middle of a very painful prayer, a thought arrived: put Mocha to sleep. I pulled the car over to the side of the road and fell apart. That evening I told my husband. He looked at me, completely thrown, and asked, “Are you sure?”

一天在上班的途中，我正在很痛苦地禱告，突然有一個意念進來 —— 把 Mocha 送去安樂死。我崩潰地把車停在路邊哭了。晚上和老公說，他很疑惑地看著我問：「你確定嗎？」

In my devotions that day God gave me Genesis 1:26.

那天的靈修，神給我創世記 1:26。

What I sat with was this: people are made in God’s image, and the animals are what God has given us dominion over. If that is true, then my order of priority had to be my husband and my family — my parents, who were coming all the way from Taiwan to see us. My heart was in pieces. I asked God again: is letting him go really the only way? Would You give me one more passage, something solid to stand on?

英文聖經把「管理」解作 “dominion over”。我當時的默想是：人是照神的形像所造，動物是神賜給我們「管理」的。既然這樣，我的優先次序應該是我的丈夫和家人的關係（爸媽要從台灣來探我們）。心裏很悲痛，我一直問神：真的只能這樣放棄牠嗎？可以再給我一段有力的經文嗎？

The following week, God gave me these.

接下來的那個禮拜，神給了我以下的經文。

The Bible does not say plainly whether animals go to heaven after they die. But according to the Bible there are animals in heaven. Those two verses were what let me open my hand.

聖經沒有明確說明動物死後會不會上天堂，但根據聖經，天堂是有動物的。這兩句經文讓我決定放手。

On the thirteenth of December I said goodbye to Mocha, sobbing. Even though I believe it was the right decision, the guilt has stayed with me. I do not think anyone can fully understand that particular kind of pain, the kind that goes into the bone.

十二月十三日那天，我狂哭著送別 Mocha。雖然我認為這是對的決定，心裏還是內疚。我相信沒有任何人可以體會那種切骨之痛。

What I understood later

後來我才明白

It was only afterwards that I understood all of it had been in God’s hands. A month or two later, my father — whom I loved and respected so much — was found to have cancer, and it was already late-stage. Over the two years that followed I went back to Hong Kong three times. Mocha leaving when he did was what made it possible for me to go, and to give my whole attention to serving and supporting my family there.

後來我才明白，這一切的發生都在神的手中。過了一兩個月，我很愛、很尊敬的爹哋發現有癌症，而且已經是末期。接下來那兩年，我回了香港三次。原來 Mocha 的離去，是預備我可以專心回香港服事和支持家人。

In the years when I was scraping by on my own with nothing to my name, Mocha was my faithful friend. He kissed my tears.

在我一個人打拼、什麼都沒有的日子裏，Mocha 是我忠心的朋友。牠親過我的眼淚。